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10 Reasons You Should Probably Become A Grizzly Bear

2015/04/01

grizzly-bear2


This weeks post is written by guest author and bear-ologist April F. Oolingston, who is currently teaching out of the Harvard School for Bears. If you wish to learn more about how to become a bear, please feel free to contact her directly at the information posted at the bottom of this article.


 

“So often we find ourselves longing for the world of Grizzly Bears, I know I often find myself waking up after dreaming of eating raw salmon caught straight from the stream. There is nothing better in this world then the warm and comfortable feeling I get when I imagine myself as a Grizzly and obviously most of us in the world feel the exact same. In fact without running any statistics I can still safely say that 99% of people also wish they were Grizzly Bears, this is a fact.

For those few of you who DON’T feel that way…..what is wrong with you?

For those minor few who don’t join us in our need to be Grizzly Bears; maybe the following will convince you otherwise. After years of extensive research and data collection I’ve assembled 10 scientifically founded points on Why You Should Probably Become A Grizzly Bear, please enjoy!”

 

1. Bears are Cool

In late 2003 when I was doing my dissertation on “Why Bears are Super Cool,” I found over 90 million accounts on twitter, Facebook & other social media platforms that said (and I quote): “Bears are cool.” Thus proving that Bears are unarguably really, really cool. I mean if someone on the other side of the world tweeted that, how could they NOT also want to become a bear? This is fact.

2. Bears are REALLY Cool

Based on an article written by me in the winter of 2004, we can now we factual evidence that Bears are REALLY Cool. The paper was published and then immediately pulled from the Harvard Newspaper being cited as an “Illegal Entry” into the paper. Apparently breaking in after hours and gluing an article I wrote over all the front pages is a real “no-no.” Regardless two physical papers survived so I can legally say that it was in the paper. TAKE THAT MR. CHAMBERS! Either way the article goes on to states how Cool Bears Are and based on the empirical data proven in the first point, this one is true as well.

3. Over 23 Billion Bears in the World Wish They Were Humans Too

So this to me is perfect, we can just switch places! Slam dunk! This one is a no-brainier, I’m not going to cite my sources just believe me, okay?

4. Bears Hibernate During the Winter

Think about it, no  work, no winter schooling, no cold weather or shovelling snow! You literally get to sleep (or something) through the entire winter! This means I wouldn’t have to go with my mom and her boyfriend to the cottage again…..ugh. He makes the most disgusting meatloaf. WHO USES SAUSAGE IN A MEATLOAF.

5. Bears have 3 Rows of Teeth

Imagine how cool and crowded your mouth would be! I only have one set and they are awesome! Think about how great it would be to chew through a boot or a salmon with all those teeth. Downside being that you’d probably have to go to the Dentist quite regularly….I have to go at least every 5 months because mother makes me, though I don’t know about Bears….do bears have Dentists? Maybe we shouldn’t ALL become Bears…some people should stay Human so that they can become Dentists for Bears.

6. Bears have Dentists

Does anyone want to be a Dentist for a Bear? Obviously if we all become Bears we’ll need dentists….so we should probably plan ahead. Those of you who DON’T want to be Bears, maybe start enrolling in Dentist School.

7. Re-read Points 1 & 2

Cause Bears are COOL. I think the fact that we have two whole points dedicated to it kinda fundamentally proves that point, don’t you think?

8. Over 99% of Bears Want Hugs

This I found out first hand when I tried hugging one at the Zoo last summer. They don’t “love” it, but my wounds are almost completely healed and the doctor says I can walk again in June, so I have that going for me. Regardless I’m sure I just got one in the 1%, most Bears would LOVE this.

9. You get to live in the 100-acre Wood with Christopher Robin

How great would that be? Eating honey all day, playing with all those other animals like Eeyore, Piglet & the Owl….Maybe you wouldn’t get stuck in the honey that much either.

10. The most important fact about Bears & why becoming one would be awesome…

Bears don’t play pranks on people:

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!!

 

If it wasn’t crystal clear to you at this point – this entire post is a joke. Almost all the facts are made up, so please don’t go spouting them to your work colleagues, or do! Maybe they can be in on the joke. Join Aquarian’s Daily Thought to receive funny, inspirational quotes and thoughts daily, CLICK HERE to sign up!

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